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Dead Dog
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doe

ThoseBastard Doctors
Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?
A: G

P. G.?
What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.?
An aneurysm.

Five Surgeons
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

HavingFaceFact
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I'

Tooth Pulling
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said,

YosoOxygen
Yo mama's so smelly, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing

Stewed Tomatoes
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry

ViagraEyedrops?
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look

Geriatric Communication
An old man goes to his doctor and says, I don't think my wife

Lightbulb:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
O

SavingButt
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home s

OldGetOn
Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found ou

BeWithViagra
Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?

Arm Troubles
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it ou

SoBallsUs
One guy had three balls, so he went to the doctor. He was too shy to tell the

ASmellerAFeller
There's a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts

TheandFrog
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the fro

TheGlasses
Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
Because things

MaleFemale Brains
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor

The Patient
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurs

American Technology
A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussi

Regularity
Woman: I have a problem.
Doctor: Well, are you regular?

TheRoom
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits pa

The Shooting
An old lady's husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to liv

CrazyCritters...
Q. How do crabs leave the hospital?
A. On crotches!

ShaggyStory
What did one duck say to the other?
What?
"Social

Callan Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swall

Rhoids
"How are your hemorrhoids?"
"Swell."

She'sBlonde...Test
She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and failed.

TheChange
There was a successful doctor who had an office in a small midwestern town. H

Rabbit Breakout
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots

Won'tNeedingNikes Anymore
A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll b

Lab Results
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in,

Doctor,GimmeNews!
An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's office to get their yearly e

D.A.M.
What does D.A.M stand for?
Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Bad News
A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he t

HMO Executive
The Chief Executive of an HMO died and was very relieved that he got into heaven

Fuzzy Vision
Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
A: Because every

ItSurgery
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-

Flu?
The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ''Flu?'' The do

ISomefor You
A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The rash continues to get worse and

Mental Institution
Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, pick

Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to

Blondeto Eat
One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a c

Handicapped
What has 500,000 feet and still can't walk?
Jerry's kid

Two Psychiatrists
How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
''You ar

Pervert Psychiatrist
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him

Stop,ITakeMore!
My doctor is so funny - he keeps me in stiches!!!

Careerist
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor

Rosesredaarerose
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic

Sick Hick
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

Medicinal Marijuana
Why can't you shoot up marijuana?
Because you'll

BreakLeg
This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs that he got from a car crash.

HeFly,HeBelieves...
A man was in the waiting room at the hospital, pacing the floor. His wife was in

Toe Observations
What do the toes say when they meet?
"There is a fungus

LaughtertheMedicine
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
I guess that wa

BaconMy Ear
A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of h

Leper Stew
How do you make stew out of a leper?
Put him in a Jacuzzi and t

Taking Sides
There was a man who got into a car accident. He was soon rushed to the hospital

DeadCrossesStreet
Why did the dead baby cross the street?
To get away from the aborti

Heavenly HMO
St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven when three men appeared, all

TimeDental Appointments
Q: What's the best time for a dental appointment?
A: Tooth-

Quizzical
A man and his son are in a car accident and are rushed to the hospital. But when

Acameoneafterfired ...
A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that

BadofStutters
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but

WhichUp?
Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end!

Assembly Required
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided

FourandFuneral
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a ja

CNNBreakingItbeen ...
CNN Late Breaking News!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden w

Really Sick
There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc

Whyskeletonsmusic...
Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?
A: Because they

ThingsBe Nurse
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young

Dr. Doctor
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign re

Whatyouanin Czechslovakia?
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!

InImage
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While o

Celebrex, Celebrex
Q: How do the makers of Celebrex celebrate?
A: Fuck if I know

"Cocaineaofdrug"
Two guys are picked up by cops for drugs and are given the oppurtunity to walk o

Memento
A guy goes to his doctor because hea??s been having problems remembering things.

Deadly Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I cana??t stop passing gas.

I have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Y

Is she feeling any better?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last n

What should I do then?
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?<

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always

The prison hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils,

How much will this cost me?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.<

Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do y

Letters from charities
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

Would you please do me a favor?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

I can't find the cause of your pain
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can'

An invisible man is here to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

D

Bad temper problem
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I kee

Will I live any longer?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

People are ignoring me
A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, peo

I want to lose some weight
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per

Will this operation hurt me at all?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon

Preventive medicine belief
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

Doc

A man with a glass eye is here to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown

I have bad and very bad news
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient:

Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching t

Did you take the patient's temperature?
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No.

We need to help these people
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doct

I've got good and bad
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tell

Did you ever have this before?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

My wife is beating me
David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

I'm gaining weight doctor
Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You s

We are the best of friends
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we a

Does it hurt when you do this?
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Help me with my hair doctor
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

What is your problem?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep g

You're in great health
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Driving exams worry me
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Docto

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement

Problems remembering
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anyt

Doctor, should I file my nails?
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

Doctor: No! Throw them

I would like to havea second opinion
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
<

I think I need a pair of glasses
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly

Put me into a fighting mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me i

Get me an ambulence now
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, opera

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