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Deep Thoughts 13
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd prob

Deep Thoughts 07
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several

Steven Wright 09
What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that

Deep Thoughts 14
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don'

Steven Wright 18
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But le

I get no respect 02
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

Why ask why 06
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet cla

Robert Schmidt 12
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of

Deep Thoughts 06
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don

Deep Thoughts 09
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people

Robert Schmidt 08
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'l

Robert Schmidt 06
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I took a co

Robert Schmidt 04
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb&q

Steven Wright 26
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing the

Robert Schmidt 05
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Is "t

Steven Wright 03
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a

Deep Thoughts 17
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them

Steven Wright 07
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it

I get no respect 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. Tha

Steven Wright 19
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green ligh

Why ask why 05
Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for

Deep Thoughts 10
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I rememb

Steven Wright 05
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I

Deep Thoughts 15
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow

Robert Schmidt 02
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stai

Steven Wright 10
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except

Steven Wright 06
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was lo

Robert Schmidt 11
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished ba

I get no respect 04
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you

Steven Wright 17
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park

Steven Wright 27
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like t

Robert Schmidt 07
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa

Steven Wright 23
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.<

Deep Thoughts 05
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I fo

News headlines 04
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Robert Schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingb

Steven Wright 21
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

Steven Wright 02
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No

Deep Thoughts 04
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

Why ask why 01
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-1

Steven Wright 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment s

I get no respect 03
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet

Deep Thoughts 02
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up

Steven Wright 15
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested

Deep Thoughts 12
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives

Robert Schmidt 01
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed i

News headlines 05
Steals Clock, Faces Time

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Steven Wright 25
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got

Deep Thoughts 16
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbon

Why ask why 02
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
<

Steven Wright 16
I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Cl

Deep Thoughts 03
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody cal

Deep Thoughts 01
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible worl

I get no respect 01
"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd.

Robert Schmidt 10
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happ

I get no respect 06
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her b

Steven Wright 08
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And

Deep Thoughts 11
It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's re

News headlines 03
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Two Soviet

Robert Schmidt 13
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle

Deep Thoughts 08
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, a

Robert Schmidt 03
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I st

Steven Wright 24
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was anot

Why ask why 03
How did a fool and his money get together?

Do cemetery workers pref

Steven Wright 22
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in f

Why ask why 04
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

If you

Steven Wright 13
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an on

News headlines 01
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Steven Wright 14
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind a

Steven Wright 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

News headlines 02
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Eye Drops off Shelf<

Steven Wright 01
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you'

Steven Wright 04
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just

Steven Wright 20
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funer

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